so reflecting upon past ‘phases’ of my life,  i noticed that one of the recurring themes seems to be what is essentially a need for faith – a deep seated craving to be part of something bigger and better then my current incarnation. i noticed a pattern that when things were balanced and flowing smoothly within my spiritual life, other areas of my life concurrently flow more smoothly as well. and, conversely, when i’m in spiritual crisis, everything else tends to be chaotically hectic. and i also noticed that throughout previous cycles of depression, weight gain, reduction of faith, rinse and repeat; there is always an element of the lack of spiritual fulfillment. i’m starting to think that this lack is not a symptom, but rather a root cause, as the turning point is always some sort of spiritual reconciliation.

so now i’m wondering if its possible that some folks can be ‘hardwired’ for spirituality? that faith, and the exercise thereof is a physical need just as necessary as food, water, and air. i’m willing to entertain the idea that its all due to how certain molecules are aligned and spewing chemicals in my head… although i hope its more than that. i’m also willing to entertain the idea that each person has a ‘true calling’ and for some its spiritual expression… which would assume that there is something doing the calling in the first place.

what prompted this was looking back into past writing and noticing that even during the critical lows, my spirituality has never completely unraveled into the ‘life sucks, there is no god’ temporary atheism – rather i have bottomed out at the ‘life sucks, god doesn’t give a shit’ level. i have never been able to seriously accept the possibility that there is no god and no substance to faith – i don’t understand true atheism, because i haven’t ever really experienced it.

so i’m curious to see how other people react to crises of faith, and is faith an essential need for your well-being or something that ebbs and flows as your life situation changes?

through the looking glass…
-justin